The Fear of Letting People Down

Let me start out by saying that, in no uncertain terms, getting cast on and playing Survivor was one of, if not the most, exhilarating moments of my entire life. It’s something that I had been dreaming about for years, and every moment leading up to the game and within the game itself was absolutely a dream come true (well, except getting voted out…).

However, from the moment I got home and throughout the months leading up to the season premiere, the mood progressively started changing. While there was always a part of me that was thrilled for the show to air, there was a larger, ever-growing part of me that was hoping that the air date would be pushed back indefinitely. This was not due to fear of being on national television, but instead the feeling that I was letting down every single person in my life that believed I would do well on the show. The months between the filming and airing of Survivor can be full of apprehension, excitement, fear, confidence, stress, and everything in between, and I’m going to detail my journey through that unique period of my life.

Coming back from Survivor, the fact that I had “not done well” on the show didn’t weigh on my mind too much at the beginning, in part due to the quick turnaround from being voted off the show to being sent back home. However, the moment things changed was at my college graduation. Only a few weeks after being on the beaches in Fiji, I was back with my friends on campus for the ceremonies, and word had spread amongst them of where I had been. And little did I know how much their words of encouragement, meant to be uplifting and supportive, would weigh heavily on my mind for the next couple months.

Comments like, “you’re good at those types of games” and “I know you made it far” hit differently when you know exactly how and when your game ended. One specific moment that stuck with me is when a friend of mine, who had apparently researched “reliable spoilers” about my season, came up to me and said, “Congrats on making top 6!” while several other friends of mine were nearby. Immediately, they all had high expectations for me of which I could not tell them to let go. Every fiber in my being was just hoping that they would forget about this over the next few months, but I felt that disappointing them was all but inevitable at this point.

About a month or so later, my friends at home started to find out where I had been, and all of the positive and negative feelings towards the upcoming season premiere only escalated. It was amazing to hear from some folks I hadn’t talked to in a while, ranging from elementary school friends to high school faculty members, all of whom were apparently Survivor superfans, but in every interaction, I would always think about how my game on TV would go against everything they thought about me.

In their eyes, I was always the “smart kid” in school, so they would probably expect me to go far in the game while making big strategic plays. In reality, I knew that my game ended early after giving away an idol to a guy who voted me out. When my best friend found out about my appearance on the show, his prediction on my placement was a lot different than everyone else’s. He predicted, with full sincerity, that I was the second voted out. And funnily enough, that made me so happy to hear. In a strange way, I was happy that he thought I’d do poorly, as every episode and move that I made in the game would be exceeding expectations. 

With more reflection as it got closer, the feelings towards the upcoming premiere had swung back in a positive direction. By that point, I was looking forward to the show airing each and every flaw in my game, because in the end, Survivor only captures a small part of our life. Over those months of waiting, I was so worried that Survivor would change how some people in my life thought of me, that they would think I had wasted a lot of my potential within the game. However, I was so much more in my head about people’s thoughts on my game than I needed to be.

Absolutely nobody that I mentioned above was truly upset or let down, but elated that I had even had the opportunity to play. I truly wish that I’d had a different outlook on those interactions at the time, as everyone truly had good intentions in their words. While I had been afraid people would view me as a failure, Survivor instead allowed for people to understand me even better, as someone who is not afraid to fail, and for that I am forever grateful.

-Dwight

Dwight Moore was on Survivor 43. He is a Stanford grad and The Blood on The Clocktower king. Follow him on twitch where he hosts games.

PS Want more reality TV content? Become a Rob Has a Podcast patron

PPS Do us a quick favor… it would mean a lot. Liking The Confessional? With just one referral - using your unique link below - you can get extra content and more.